The Best Relationship Advice I've Ever Heard

The one thing I’ve concluded about relationships is that nobody has them figured out. Oddly that is both comforting and confronting 😬.

Even some of the top relationship therapists with best selling books have admitted to considering divorce in their own marriage.

This is one of many reasons I continue to study and be fascinated with authentic ways of relating, creating intimacy and healing.

But of all the advice I’ve heard, one single statement stands out: “Find the Blue”.​
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It was over a year ago that my partner started reading “Courting the Wild Twin” by Martin Shaw and after sharing what she learned I quickly picked up a copy myself.

It was from this book that we learned the phrase “Find the Blue” and it has become a core mantra in our relationship!

If you don’t know Martin Shaw, I highly recommend checking out his work. He is an acclaimed author, mythologist, storyteller, and wilderness guide.

Shaw is particularly known for his ability to weave together poetic prose and profound insights about the human experience - not exactly the traditional approach for relationship advice.

But in one particular section of the book discusses how he works with couples struggling in relationship - by having them go out into nature together and observe Magpies.

If you're like me you might be thinking "this is very confusing", but just stay with me here...

So he has two people in conflict, emotionally charged and patience wearing thin go birdwatching in the woods - you might imagine how well that would go 😅

And sure enough most of the couples find so much challenge through this mission that they quit with frustration and come back before completing the task.

But the few that do all come back and say the same thing..
​“WE FOUND THE BLUE!” they exclaim.

This is really fascinating to me because there are a lot of magpies in Colorado. Every time I trail run I see these mystical creatures and yet I still didn't initially know what "finding the blue" meant or how it related to the observance of these birds.

The couples moods completely shifted. So how could this be such a revelation?

If you’re not familiar with the Magpie, its feathers contrast between a deep glossy black on its head, neck and chest, and bright, clean white on its belly and shoulder patches.

BUT if you get closer and patiently observe the bird you will notice something else.

The feathers, especially on the wings and tail, display metallic iridescent blue as it shimmers in the light!

This is the "blue" the couples had noticed and shared with Martin Shaw. I couldn't believe I had never even noticed this myself.

Which becomes the obvious and most powerful relationship advice to their struggles.

Rather than focusing on the right and wrong, the needs of each individual, the black and white, they need to find the likeness, unity and common ground - the blue.
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Most relationships fall into a power struggle of needs, wants and desires that may differ.

The more conflict arises the deeper we fixate on the black and white differences of each individual - the need to be right.

Instead of hyper focusing on the differences, we need to remember to “Find the blue”.

• Where do we align?
• What's going well?
• What's working?
• What do we love about each other?
• Is there a middle way?​
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The magpie is such a beautiful metaphor to bring us back into connection of the relationship as a whole, rather than two (sometimes very different) individuals.

Next time you find yourself challenged in relationship I hope you remember to find the blue when your habitual pattern starts to kick up.

Often there can be more going right than wrong if we can just come back to connection.

-Taylor

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Taylor Sleaford Life, Leadership & Men's Work Coach

↠ What do I do? I work 1:1 with Men & Women guiding them personally, spiritually and professionally to be their most authentic, loving and powerful self. I also lead group programs for men. Learn more HERE​

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